The Practice of Reparenting
Nobody gets through childhood unscathed.
This little tidbit of truth speaks to the fact that it is nearly impossible to make it to adulthood without experiences that harm you. Wounded human beings are raised by other wounded human beings. These wounded human beings are then raising children and interacting with others through the lens of the things that hurt them in their own life. It’s a continuous cycle of acting out of what Eckhart Tolle refers to as our pain body. In our day to day life, this acting out manifests through fear, rage, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, insecurity, loneliness, stagnation, substance abuse, relationship issues, and on and on and on.
Tolle would say any of the emotional issues we experience as adults are due to an over identification with our ego. The ego is the part of us that feels we are separate and identifies with the thoughts in our head instead of the truth of our own nature (that’s an entire blog post in and of itself). Although we can intellectually understand that we are not the thoughts we’ve spent a lifetime learning to identify with; in the moments where we feel lost, it can be helpful to have concrete tools to avoid acting out in an unconscious way – essentially a way to stop acting from our pain body.
One way to do this is through a technique called reparenting. Reparenting basically means attempting to identify the origin of any negative messaging you are carrying, and then offering yourself the support you didn’t receive when were wounded as a child. I’ve been exploring reparenting a lot lately with clients, and it’s amazing what an effective tool it can be. Here’s an example of how reparenting works.
Imagine that you struggle from debilitating anxiety. It may be affecting your relationships, your health, even your career. There is a job opening at work that you would love to have, but going after it would mean having a conversation with your boss and just the thought of that stops you dead in your tracks. A reparenting technique can help you identify the cause and ultimately move through some of the anxiety you are experiencing.
1. Identify the story going through your head when you start to experience anxious feelings.
In the case of the job promotion, these thoughts might sound something like:
They’re never going to pick me for it and then I’ll look stupid for even trying. What would I even say to my boss? I feel so uncomfortable every time I talk to him. What is wrong with me that I feel so scared every time I try to do something with my life? Whatever I’m doing – it’s just not good enough.”
2. Try to recognize what feels historical in your negative self-talk.
There’s an expression within the 12-step communities – “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Meaning, if there’s some belief about ourselves that could intellectually be identified as false, but for some reason it keeps coming back to us as an absolute truth – it’s probably a belief we developed early in life. If the recurring thought is, I’m just not good enough, can you identify when you first started to feel that way about yourself? Maybe your father expected you to get straight A’s and every time you brought home a report card with four A’s and one B, his entire focus was on the B.
3. Take yourself back to the moment of the original wound in your mind.
So maybe you can recall that this report card dynamic with your father started when you were around twelve years old. Imagine what you wish your father had said to you when you brought home the report card with one B. Maybe he would have acknowledged the effort you must have put into each of the A’s you earned. Maybe he would have reassured you that he was proud of you regardless of how you do in school, if you are trying your best. Whatever you would’ve liked to hear in that moment, picture yourself being parented in the way you needed at the time.
4. Bring yourself back to the current moment and speak to the child within you.
See if you can speak to your inner twelve-year-old as you contemplate approaching your boss. If your twelve-year-old self said the words to you:
“They’re never going to pick me for it and then I’ll look stupid for even trying. What would I even say to my boss? I feel so uncomfortable every time I talk to him. What is wrong with me that I feel so scared every time I try to do something with my life? Whatever I’m doing – it’s just not good enough.”
You would probably speak to them very differently than you might speak to yourself now. You would speak with compassion, and reassure them that they are far more capable than they know. You would challenge the negative thoughts they are thinking about themselves and point out how the opposite is more likely the reality of the situation. Essentially you would speak to them like you wish your parent had spoken to you when you were twelve. Now the challenge becomes attempting to speak to yourself in this same way.
The point of reparenting is not to villainize our parents for the ways they fell short in raising us. It’s to attempt to bring in a bit more compassion all around. Let’s take it back to your father for a moment. Perhaps he was raised to believe that pushing your kids to reach their full potential is how you show your love. Maybe he had fears about what it would mean for you if you didn’t do well in school. Whatever his reasoning, it’s fair to guess that he was not consciously attempting to wound his child. Using the reparenting technique, however, we can give ourselves what our parent may not have had the tools to give us when we were young.
