Letting Go of Your Fear of Being Cheated On...For Good
People cheat for a plethora of reasons. When you’re the one who’s been cheated on, it can be especially difficult to feel secure in partnership again.
I struggled quite a bit with this subject in some of my early relationships. I remember getting the message when I was young that cheating was an unforgivable offense – a complete and utter deal breaker. So, when I found myself confronted with the reality of a boyfriend cheating, I was devastated. After experiencing this heartbreak in a few more relationships, I began to believe that this was something I would inevitably experience with everyone I dated.
The suspicion of inevitable betrayal began to make me feel jaded, cynical and anxious in relationships. I’m not proud to admit that I would quite often go through my boyfriend’s phones, feel insecure around the females in their lives, and constantly have arguments about the lack of trust I was feeling.
This pattern continued for years until I met my husband. For the first time, I’d met a man who was not interested in being with someone who did not trust him before he had proven himself untrustworthy. He was not willing to pay the price for another man’s crimes. I had a choice to make. I could either let this apprehension continue to escalate inside of me – knowing full well it was making me someone whose actions I felt embarrassed by; or I could do the work to process this belief system and learn to find peace around the idea of being cheated on. I chose the latter.
Since the fear of cheating is an issue that comes up frequently both in the work I do with couples and individuals, I thought it might be useful to go over some ways to start to shift our perspective on this topic. A few points to keep in mind on the matter of cheating:
1. No amount of babysitting will keep someone from cheating on you.
Often after we’ve been cheated on, we believe that if we can just keep close enough tabs on our partner, we can keep it from happening again. You can tell that you’re in dangerous territory with this issue any time you have essentially put your own life on hold to monitor someone else’s whereabouts. The truth is, any attempts to control the actions of another person are almost always futile (not to mention a bit co-dependent). The deeper question to start asking yourself is why you are in a relationship with someone you feel you can’t trust.
2. You cannot move on from cheating in your relationship until you both understand why it happened.
I am not someone who subscribes to the “once a cheat, always a cheat” philosophy – nor do I feel that cheating should always signify the end of a relationship. If you make the decision to stay in a relationship after someone has cheated, however, it is important that you both do some serious work to understand how and why you got to this point. This is the time where working together with a good couple’s therapist can be critical. If you feel unsafe talking to your partner, or they have the “it was a mistake, let’s just move on” attitude; this issue will inevitably continue to rear its ugly head in your relationship until you gain some real understanding.
3. The best way to combat this anxiety is to do you boo!
Feeling consumed with worry about whether the person you are with will cheat on you is a pretty good indicator that you could use something else in your life to occupy your head space. This may be a great time to explore some of the things that make you feel alive and excited to spend time with yourself. Because here’s the difficult truth about attraction in relationships. There is nothing less attractive to your partner than them being the center of your universe. (Boy, did I make this mistake in my younger years, lol.)
4. Finally, and most importantly, you have to believe that you will get through it and be ok no matter what.
I remember the exact moment I found peace around this issue. I was talking to a therapist about the struggle my husband and I were having around my insecurities on the topic of cheating. She said, “Let me ask you something, when you were cheated on in your past relationships, you found out somehow, right?” I nodded. Then she said, “What if you were to take the position that if there is information I need to know about my relationship, the universe will present it to me, just as it always has. That way there’s no need to keep searching for evidence of betrayal. Just as you have survived that hurt in every other instance, you will survive it again.” And just like that. I found the answer I needed to feel some peace. Something about her words helped me to let go of this fear forever. I realized that being cheated on was not the worst thing that could happen to me. Allowing the fear of it happening to turn me into someone I wasn’t proud of being would be so much worst.
The truth is, anytime we take the chance of opening our hearts to another person we are vulnerable. We could get hurt, something could happen to them, or the love could simply dissolve. But ultimately taking the chance is worth the risk– especially if the person you’re truly placing your bets on is yourself.
